I remember.

I remember when I started sucking my stomach in in 3rd grade, my friend told me I looked good. I remember watching Spiderman when it came on TV even though it was in Spanish when I was in kindergarten because it was my favorite movie. I remember my dad taking me to school early all the time just so we could stop at McDonald's to get pancakes. I remember watching the birth of my brother and worried because he was ugly. I remember sitting on an ant hill when I was 3 and being so embarrassed because my mom had to take off my panties and there was a little boy watching. I remember the old couple that lived near our trailer who always gave me caramels. Caramels are still my favorite. I remember holding back tears in fourth grade while reading a book in class about a little girl who had a disease that causes bald spots because my teacher didn't know I had it too. I remember when I ate chips and dip like it was part of my religion and the lack of growing up with a real one. I remember my little cousin asking me to marry him. I remember a boy asking me to be his valentine and saying no but keeping eating all the chocolates.  I remember laying in my truck bed and being told my eyes were beautiful. I remember when it was easier to remember instead of easier to worry about the future. 

No 1 between us, sugar.

Telling it to me

I haven't said a word in around twenty minutes because I'm listening to him tell me about video games and football. I am not the kind of girl that wants to listen to someone talk about clash of clans or who just beat the Seahawks, but I'd listen to just about anything if it's coming from his lips. I nod along like I understand what he's talking about but in my mind I'm not thinking about the words he's saying. I'm thinking about how cute it is that he's getting so excited over this stuff. I'm thinking about how nice he looks in his new jacket and how our kids would be so cute if they had curly hair just like him. I'm thinking about how much of a dork he his is but how much I like him anyway. I'm thinking about how lucky am I to have him say these things to me. He could be telling any girl in the world about this stuff, but he's telling it to me. 

Falling in love is like

Please Prove You're Not a Robot

I scraped my knee when I was 5 because I was catching lighting bugs with my mom and I got too excited and fell. I still have the scar. 

I kicked a hole in the wall a few years ago because my mom was yelling at me and I have a hard time managing my anger. 

I screamed the whole time on a roller coaster my dad took me on when I was four and told him "I hate you" for the first time because I really just hated roller coasters. But now I love roller coasters and just hate my dad. 

I stopped eating and cried too much when my boyfriend broke up with me.  

When we got back together we exchanged "I love you"s and back scratches and gazes into each others eyes. 

Humans feel. 

Robots can't do that. 

Rain

It was a perfect day for rain. 

Not because I needed a car wash, or because I wanted to cuddle, or because I wanted a kiss in the rain like I see in the movies. 

It was a perfect day for rain because when you looked at my face you couldn't tell that it was wet from a 40 minute car ride of crying uncontrollably. It was a perfect day for rain because the raindrops on my car windows hid my embarrassment. As people drove by me, they had no idea that I was playing all the songs that reminded me of you and they stung so bad. It was the perfect day for rain because it was the perfect weather to hide myself in a big jacket so I didn't have to face the world that day. I hoped and prayed it would rain again and again because I wasn't ready to face the world any day. Not without you. 

Childhood

Growing up I didn't have a lot of money. I lived with my parents in trailers until I was four or five, and then in apartments until I moved into my families first house when I was eleven. In elementary school I was made fun of everyday for being overweight and I had a disease that made my hair fall out. But I was always happy. I never cared about the money I didn't have. I was never embarrassed to have friends over in my little apartment. I was never too shy to flaunt my chubby belly in my bikini during the summer. (And I have pictures to prove it). Childhood was a time when there was no worries. The only time I remember ever being stressed is when my mom told me I had to put away my Barbie dolls because it was bed time. I never was self conscious and always felt ready to take on the world.

It's weird how things change. I have everything I could ask for now. I'm so blessed to have the things I have but I still wish I had a bigger house.  I lost the weight and I have all my hair, but I feel self conscious in a bikini.

I want my childhood back.

Audrey Hepburn

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Well, this is my second chance. A second chance to show you all who I really am.

Maybe you'll think differently of me after reading my blog.